She looked at her Mom, she was clearly upset. Her mother was taking her father’s things and putting them aside for him. At 3 this didn’t make sense, was she cleaning? No, no not at all. It was time for her father to go. His drinking and drugs were clearly more important than our family. Her mother decided firmly this time her kids deserved better. Even if that meant welfare, it was better than the life we were living.

I don’t remember much specifically, there was a fur coat I don’t remember who got it. But just like that he was gone. (The fur coat could really could be anything I was 3. My memory certainly could be pulling information from something else.) But that was that; it was Mom, my brother, me and our dog. Alone in this big crazy world. Living on the wrong side of the tracks in a town with a population of 500. Here we were.

My Grandmother on my mother’s side was our biggest supporter, her home was our safety. I never had any doubts there, Grandma’s house would always be there. At one point when I was young I asked her, “Grandma when you die can I have your house?” She laughed. “Your brother already asked.” 😉 Stink. Ahh I’ll fight him for it. Nevermind he can have it, but he better let me visit!

That was my first life change. He came back for a bit when I was about 6. But he was either on drugs or drunk so Ma cut that off. My Grandparents had so much guilt they cut contact with me. And really that whole family did.

Soon I adjusted, it was a painful process, I cried so much. Hyperventilation was just part of my daily routine. In my mind the only thing that made sense was he left because of me. I carried that into adult hood. I’m sure I still have it lingering in the back of my mind.

Than my brother graduated high school, and it started over again for me. I was 9, and the only man I had in my life whom I loved was no longer part of my daily life. Granted he was only 30 miles away, but it still hurt so much.

My Uncle passed soon after, I was only 10. But my uncle always had time for me. If he was feeding his cows, or showing me his new pigs, Salt and Pepper. Cute but they really were tasty. (Sorry PETA) He was gone though, not much older than I am now. And gone.

When my grandmother passed, was the worst I think. I could write for days on how amazing she was. But to save time for this blog I’ll just leave it there. She was one hell of a woman.

My Mom remarried my science teacher, they are still together. Thank God for him. He showed me that real men stay and face obstacles with their family. Let alone the other 100s of lessons he gave me, yes I can shoot a gun and a bow (it’s been awhile with the bow it might take a moment or two), I can drive a stick. So I did luck out there.

But for me there will always be the ghost of the man I first fell in love with, leaving. And leaving again. Theres no cure for that one, no drug to tweak my brain into knowing I didn’t do it. No overcoming it. It just has to find a way to settle in and become excepted in your mind.

Life will go on, and I have a stable relationship. But before you walk the door on someone, understand the consequences of your actions. I have walked out on some people. It needed to be done. But I left them with many questions and pain. This isn’t right. I can’t fix it and will live with that forever. But I can do better in my relationships going forward. I’ve grown from that.



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