“Who Are You?”

If only that were a question you could grow into with a bipolar mind. They talk plenty about the swings of mood, bipolar meaning just that two opposite ends of the spectrum. Two poles if you will. It’s funny to think though that Earth has two poles they are both butt freezing cold, and the opposite of that is actually at the center, the equator. I think that’s a bit more of a reasonable analogy for bipolar.

When we are manic or hypomanic we are at the top of the earth, in a dangerous place. When we are depressed we are at the bottom of the earth in a dangerous place. Not many dares to go to either. And even less come back alive.

But it’s that middle ground where the temperature rises and the humidity sticks that can really screw a person up. We come back to the center trying to figure out how on earth one is to live a “normal” life. But the normal everyday things, the questions, prioritizing is so overwhelming, we want to put on on our parka and go to a place where no one else is at.

It’s easy for us to think that we can take on so much, but just the weight of a new job, the change in schedule can set that fear in motion. And although we do not spin totally out of control, we will isolate. The pressure of something so simple as brushing our teeth is like pulling a boulder behind us.

And it’s not our drugs not working, you see. It’s that we have spent our whole lives living as far away from people; emotionally, mentally and or physically that we just don’t know what the right answer is. Do we call, do we not.

You may think this is just stupid. Just do something. IF IT WAS THAT F***** SIMPLE FOR US WE’D DO IT. We want that. But every nerve is screaming, “pick me, pick me, pick me” in our brains. And until they all shut up, we must wait it out.

This is why those of us with mental illnesses are heroes. We can see past this moment and although we can’t move, we know, we have no choice but to trust that this will be over and we will soon move to a nice quiet community in Kanas where there are no poles and the heat is only hot for so long.

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