There I was minding my own damn business. When the white rabbit appeared, I followed like a moron. Who follows rabbits anyway? But I did. The fall is when it hit me, I was falling, I knew in my logical brain that this was the despair that had been sneaking up on me for weeks. Unfortunately, with this condition (bipolar) it no longer scares me, it’s just a part of me.
My world was no longer in a logical sense. It was filled with nonsense thoughts and “Hold on Jean Louise this one is going to be a fun ride” would cross my mind on occasion. There was one marked difference though, I had one emotion, anger. I had so much anger towards everything (except my dog) that I could have exploded. Fed Ex dropped off a package on its side and not up and down and I thought I was going to slice his tires. (I wouldn’t but the image in my mind made me feel better).
“Who are you? You are not Jeanie.” I could hear the caterpillar. “It’s me, Jeanie!” I felt my insides screaming. But no one, not even me believed it. This was not part of me. Something, something whatever it was like a monster taking hold of me was eating me from inside out.
The laundry was piled up and I couldn’t figure out how to put it away, my floor needed vacuuming, but the vacuum was too far away. My dog wanted under the blankets for the 100th time but I was saying, “Just F-inig lay down!”
All I could do was lay still and listen to the hum of the fan. Time was going by so slow, yet so fast. Was I high? Certainly didn’t remember doing any drugs of any sort. Did I take my drugs? Yep, I did. WTH then? I just wanted to be me. I knew this wasn’t me.
I was convinced my boyfriend was leaving me, why….because while he was at work he hadn’t text me back. Really am I in high school again? I would go back and forth between the two. My logical brain and the monster within.
Just sleep, but I didn’t want to sleep I had to do something, but I couldn’t do anything. I was weighted down by external forces I couldn’t explain, nor did I really care too.
I hadn’t slept very well the night before, which didn’t normally affect me in this same way. But yesterday all hell broke loose in my mind and I couldn’t put any of the pieces back together again. I tried my therapy skills. Do something else, completely else. But I would just do that in a few mins, I just wanted to lay still and listen to the fan for a few more moments. Well, the moments passed.
They turned into hours and soon my boyfriend was home. No, I didn’t murder him. 🙂 Poor guy how he puts up with me is beyond me. Instead, we refilled my prescription for Valium. (Side note my new public health psychiatrist took me from 90 pills a month to 30…this is going well)
I took the valium right there at Walmart. By the time we checked out, my levels of wonderland crazy where finally disappearing. My heart was broken for the horrible thought patterns and inability to do a damn thing all day. But at least I was decent to be around again. I had to go and clean a property that night. This was fine, I could finally think so I wasn’t concerned.
I had had a pain growing on my shoulder and neck for 3 days (I’d been off of my benzos for 3 days) and slowly the pain was subsiding. Neck pain is so horrible. It throbs and aches give headaches and all around pain. But no longer were the muscles tensing every time I heard someone sneeze.
I was in a short but sweet mixed episode with anger. I couldn’t act on anything and make it better, deer in the headlights syndrome. But for 24 hours I felt as though I was one of Vlad the Impalers victims, laying on a spear waiting for death to finally take away the pain.
Instead, an angel came and took me down one more time. Patched me up and said, “now go and do good. Because you are good. Those moments were meaningless. One day does not mark the rest of your life and count your blessings angels strap you in when you are like that so you can’t act on your impulses. (We should probably duck tape your mouth though. ;))”
So that’s just a visual of how it feels, but it is the truth. I am awake and feel “normal” today. When asked about my faith and whether or not I’m angry with God for bipolar and mixed episodes, I can honestly answer with. “I’m grateful He always sends me help.” Never have I been completely alone. I feel alone in the moments of mental hell I go through. But when it’s passed, I know I couldn’t have gotten through those moments without God. Without His intervention, I wouldn’t slash tires but probably damage myself.
So no I am not upset with God, I am grateful and blessed He remembers me when I am mixed up in the head. I am grateful that he has blessed me with almost two brains, the logical, “Jean does this make sense?” and the crazy, “My family hates me, I only bring pain and suffering.” And my guardian Angel who protects and keeps me from harm.